Serendipity: A Tale
by i-write-hp-stories
Summary: When new first-year Serendipity accidentally becomes a sixth-year student, certain things occur... blah blah blah. With so much self-referential humor it ceased being funny before it even started!
1. In The Great Hall

Disclaimer: This book is written as an "alternate universe" to _Half-Blood Prince_, seeing as that book was not released when I began writing. It's loads better than Rowling's version, though, and I'm very modest.

---

…_For all you students out there,__  
and all the teachers too.__  
Kindly remember these words,__  
exactly as said to you._

The sorting hat, finally finishing the song, stopped singing the song, and everyone in the Great Hall had a chance too look at the bedraggled hat, whose dark gray outer thing had numerous patches of multiple colors that were red and blue and yellow and other colors that were obviously, of course, not red, blue, or yellow, but different colors, as it magically hopped from the bedraggled three-legged stool, which was chipped in many places and obvious to all that it had seen other days, and waited on the ground for Professor McGonagall to pick it up again, for no apparent reason, which she promptly did, her chin high and her delicate green robes dragging on the floor creating a soft, dragging sound that everyone could hear because no one was talking at all.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were whispering to each other.

"That was really weird," hissed Ron.

"Yes it was," mumbled Hermione.

Harry was silent.

McGonagall said sharply, "I will now call up all the first years to be sorted.

"Weasley-Granger, Serendipity."

Ron thought, 'Gee, that's odd. All the first years' surnames are near the end of the alphabet.' He did not realize the true implications of the name because he was stupid.

However, Hermione did. She gasped in shock. She was surprised! The first year's last name was a combination of hers and Ron's. And she didn't think it was coincidence.

Harry was silent. He wasn't silent in his mind though, because he was thinking, duh. He looked between Ron and Hermione and decided that even if they had been willing to copulate in the first place, they would've had to been five to produce such a beautiful child, so he decided that wasn't it. "It's not fair," he grumbled. "It's not 'Potter-Weasley-Granger,' is it? I'm always typecast as the famous egotistical hero. I never get into interesting situations like this. It's not fair. Also Voldemort," (even though he was mumbling, a collective shudder spread across the room) "is after me."

And she was beautiful. Her hair cascaded past her knees, Harry could see as she walked up to the stool, and continued to cascade, cascading like mad down the hall and finally ending, still cascading, at Harry's feet. He looked at the hair closely. It was black, with one large white stripe down the middle, which made her look like a skunk only prettier than a skunk. Stripes of red and brown, which were obviously natural, cascaded down her hair next to the white stripe, which proved she was the child of some Weasley and some Granger.

Harry couldn't see her eyes (luckily, they didn't cascade to him like the hair; that's would've been weird and not beautiful), but they were a hot pink, with a darker scarlet around the pupil. They shone as if someone had inserted a 100-watt lightbulb in her skull, and twinkled more than the stars above (even though it was daytime). The entire school could hear the two talking to each other, and at one point the hat muttered, "What's wrong with Slytherin?"

A collective gasp spread across the room. Ron and Hermione especially gasped, Hermione especially so. They all knew only pure-bloods went to Slytherin, but Hermione was Muggle-born. …Right?

But the two continued conferring. When they had finished, the sorting hat breathed in to speak Serendipity's house, but she stopped the hat. "Might I say the house name?" she asked politely. A collective gasp spread across the room. Harry was silent. The hat was a bit taken aback; nobody had ever asked him that request before. But he had super-magical powers and sensed there was something special about Serendipity, so he agreed.

She stood up gracefully, and shouted softly, "GRYFFINDOR." Her beautiful voice cascaded across the room and entered Harry's ears, like a pillow for his ears. It glistened of roses and daffodils, and was sweeter than honey. Harry sighed happily. He was relaxed, just by the sound of her enchanting voice.

'NO!' his head cried. 'She's only eleven, fool! She'd also stare at me when I'd mention Voldemort,' (even though he was thinking, a collective shudder spread across the room), 'which always happens. Why does everyone think I'm so strange? I don't want to be famous. It's not fair.'

The sorting hat got through the rest of the children in half the time it took to get through Serendipity, because she was so special. Ron was wrong about his observation (because he's stupid); it went through the others in alphabetical order starting with Abigail Amstrophy, but since Serendipity was so important she had to go first.

While walking back to the Gryffindor table, she tripped elegantly, and fell onto a potion. Instantly she became five years older. She grew taller, and her breasts because four times bigger, which was really big since they were big already.

The new Potions teacher, Daius X. Machina (Snape had died, oh yeah), chuckled. "I probably should have been more careful as to where I put my Autoturn Sixteen Potion."

Dumbledore said, "Well, I guess Serendipity is a sixth year now, which is enormously convenient and coincidental. You'll have no problem being able to perform at their level of study since you are special."

She replied back, in the same flowing voice, "Well, I guess I am a sixth year now, which is enormously convenient and coincidental. I'll have no problem being able to perform at their level of study since I am special."

Her speech was so moving, half the students broke into cascading tears, and only Hermione had the shrewd observation that her speech what exactly what Dumbledore had just said, only just changing the pronouns. The Hufflepuff table cried so much that their tears enveloped them all and drowned them. This was a huge tragedy, and Serendipity said in response, "I'm very sorry for the loss." Even though nobody knew what she was talking about, even more started crying; her magnificent way with words was better than anything all of them combined had ever heard, and Hermione was silent. Dumbledore declared September 1st to be Serendipity Weasley-Granger Day, and even Snape wept (he's actually alive, just kidding).

Serendipity Weasley-Granger walked through the Hall, chin up elegantly, her hair cascading through the food that was now on the table and getting annoyed looks from hungry Hufflepuffs (they're alive now). When she sat down at the table next to Harry, she giggled, and he blushed.

He was in love.


	2. Kinda in the Great Hall

Little Sven the air molecule was happily zooming around the… um… vacuum of space in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, bumping into other air molecules and apologizing whenever he did. He saw all the students pile into the Great Hall when he did, and remembered his mother always cautioned him never to stay in the Great Hall when people were there, especially if they were going to serve food. He never thought to ask why.

When he saw Serendipity come in, he froze, just like all the people in the Hall. She was beautiful. Sven hovered still like a deer facing headlights, mouth open, not blinking. He watched as she walked down the Hall, not looking at anything else but her. He cried like all the others at her speeches, and cheered when she grew five years older. When Dumbledore finally said, "Let the eating commence!" the danger of the situation finally registered in Sven's brain, and he tried to run away. But it was hopeless. In a painful, excruciating moment, his atoms transformed. Carbon atoms, hydrogen atoms, and oxygen atoms swarmed into him, and soon he became CH3(CH2)16COOH. Sven was now a grease molecule on a piece of bacon.

Other molecules mourned the passing of Sven, who was one of the only air molecules to have independent thought, all five senses, and facial features.

---

'Geez, this bacon is greasy,' thought Harry, chewing on his food and staring at Serendipity.

"I can fix that," said Serendipity. "_Nihiloilus!_" The grease vanished from the bacon. Ron and Harry stared at her in a mixture of wonder and awe. Harry just gaped, with his mouth open.

Serendipity giggled. Harry hastily closed his mouth, his face turning a deeper red than his robes, which, incidentally, were blue this year, but if they were red, his face would be deeper red. "H-h-how did you know w-what I was thinking?" he stuttered.

"I read minds," Serendipity said simply. Harry understood what she had said, but when he looked at Ron and Hermione, they just looked confused. Harry suspected something.

"Could you say that again?" he asked.

"Certainly. I read minds," Serendipity said.

But this time Harry heard the hissing undertones beneath. He was about to ask her a question, but Ron interjected.

"Do you have a throat problem or something?"

Ron was stupid.

"No, Ron, you fool, Serendipity is a Parseltongue!" cried Hermione. "Right?"

Serendipity giggled, "Yes, I sure am."

Harry gaped again (but by this time he had swallowed the bacon), "But how?"

Serendipity said, "I can show you." She drew out her wand. "_Anteimus Tempora!"_

A silvery, transparent bubble extended around the four students. Their table dissolved, and the Great Hall vanished. They now stood in a room, with wall-to-wall carpeting and a few sofas. Ron glanced around warily and asked, "What's going on?"

"You'll see," said Serendipity.

"Is this… is this a memory?" Hermione asked. "Where's your Pensieve?"

"Only fools need Pensieves," said Serendipity. Harry was about to argue in favor of Dumbledore but decided Serendipity was ten times better. "We are back in time."

Hermione gasped. "Without a Time-Turner?"

"Only even greater fools need Time-Turners," said Serendipity. Hermione scoffed, and was about to say something, but Serendipity shushed her. "Just watch."

All of the sudden, the wall facing them exploded. Dust flew into the air, and when it settles, bits of debris lay everywhere on the wall-to-wall carpeting. The four heard a scream, and two people ran into the room. The man had mousy-brown hair, thin glasses, and was dressed in office attire. His shoes put dirt on the wall-to-wall carpeting. The woman had short, curly red hair, about as red as the red on Ron's hair. She was a bit chubby, and had a fearful yet protective look on her face. Harry recognized one of the two.

Ron gasped. Hermione gasped. Harry gasped.

"Oh my god!" cried Ron.

"I-i-impossible!" cried Hermione.

"I don't believe it!" said Ron and Harry.

"What's going on?" demanded Ron and Hermione, or perhaps it was Harry and Hermione.

"Somebody explain this!" said Ron and Harry, or Ron and Hermione. Ron definitely said something. It is unclear whether Harry or Hermione said something, but the point is irrelevant.

Of course, they were not speaking of the destroyed wall, the debris scattered on the wall-to-wall carpeting, or the dirt on the wall-to-wall carpeting from the shoe. What they had to say next clearly enunciated the problem.

"Mum," whispered Ron.

"Father," whispered Hermione.

And sure enough, the two people standing there, glancing around, were none other than Molly Weasley and Henry Granger. Serendipity, of course, had known this from the start, which is why she had muttered under her breath, "_Desinere!_" Until she said the companion spell, the scene before them would be trapped in a time loop of one second. She waited patiently until the three had finished making their revelation. Then she muttered, "_Incipere!_" and the scene restarted. She smiled grimly and watched.

All of the sudden Voldemort burst into the house. He stared at the wall-to-wall carpeting in distaste, and turned to the two. He shouted, "Get out of my way, bitches!" and stormed out of the room. The bubble containing the four teenagers followed.

They entered a small room, with white laminated tile flooring. Voldemort stormed in. Only a small wooden crib stood there, and the four could not see if there was anything inside it. "YOU!" Voldemort cried. "I'll- I'll…"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched in wonder (Serendipity was looking at the white laminated tile and admiring the handiwork.) as the silhouette of a wand rose up, and the voice of a baby said, "_Abada Kedaba!" _A strong green light rose from the tip of the wand and directly attacked Voldemort. As Harry watched in a new understanding, Voldemort cried out and fled.

Serendipity said, "_Incipere!_" again and the scene dissolved back into the Great Hall. The bubble disappeared and the voices of all the chattering students and teachers filled their ears. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat; they were pale, waiting for an explanation.

"Unfortunately, I had a cold that day," said Serendipity. "The spell was not as powerful as it could've been, so Voldemort did not completely die. I regret it to this day. This is, incidentally, also why I speak Parseltongue. The reading minds thing is just because I'm so special. Also I can fly."

"C-couldn't you go back and change it?" asked Ron, only beginning to comprehend the scene.

"No, of course not, because-"

"Because time is set in stone and cannot be changed; fate and destiny always prevail," said Hermione matter-of-factly.

"No, because it would end the story right here," said Serendipity.

"So… so you're the Girl-Who-Lived?" asked Ron in wonder. He was only understanding this now because he was stupid.

"What?" cried Harry, "I thought **_I_** was the Girl… er, Boy-Who-Lived!"

"No, Harry, you idiot, when Voldemort's spell rebounded on him in your situation he just got a mild paper cut on his finger. But it was kind of annoying, so now he hates you," said Hermione. Changing the subject, she continued, "I can't believe I'm sitting next to the Girl-Who-Lived."

"But… but… five whole years of people staring at me, being written about in the paper, being a famous student, Voldemort trying to kill me, and the prophecy! What do you mean, a 'mild paper cut'? I'm _Harry Potter_! I'm the _Boy-Who-Lived_, dammit! Pay attention to me!"

"Yeah, whatever." Hermione leaned over to Serendipity. "And those spells? How did you learn them? I've never heard of them before."

"Oh, I invented them," Serendipity said. "When I was two."

Harry seethed, refused to be part of the conversation anymore, turned back to his meal, and thought crossly, 'This bacon needs more grease.' ("Noooo!" cried Sven, who had just turned back into an air molecule.)


	3. Not At All in the Great Hall

Arthur Weasley sighed. Ever since he had brought home that 54-inch Sony Plasma TV to look at for suspected magical contamination, (whenever it switched to a reality show the user watching it grew pimples on their arm that spelled out "YOU ARE A MORON", and secretly Arthur was rather pleased with the change) his dear wife Molly had been watching the 24-Hour Dental Network endlessly for days. Unless Molly had suddenly taken a great interest in root canals, Arthur saw no reason as to why she loved the network so much.

He walked into the living room and saw the flickering light of the television screen, still on as it had been for the past 78 hours. He sighed again, and then once more for good measure. He walked into the kitchen and did some kitchen-related things in there that are no longer our concern because we no longer need to focus on him in the narrative.

---

Molly Weasley sighed. But this was not a sigh of frustration or sadness, this was a sigh of love. She watched the television as the host of _Gingivitish! _walked onto the set.

"Hello, viewers," said Henry Granger, the host. "Today we have a special program planned for all of you!"

Molly sighed again. How she missed Henry, his loving caress, his romantic speeches, his delicious bouillabaisse… if there was only a way to talk to him again.

Henry continued. "Well, first, we'll need a volunteer. Anyone?"

A cheer formed in the studio audience. After taking life, the cheer ran out the door, shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!" Nobody ever saw it again.

"That was decidedly odd," said Henry. He walked up to a member of the audience, a 20-something year old woman who giggled often. "Come up to the stage with me!" he said. The walked up to the stage.

"Please, sit down." He gestured to a seat. The woman, giggling all the way, sat down. Suddenly, metal clamps locked her into the chair.

"Wh-what's going on?" she stammered.

Henry smiled. "Today, we're going to see what happens when you perform a gingivitis operation on someone without anesthetics!" There was applause. "And this time, we're going to use a drill!" He pulled out a five-foot drill from his pocket. A cheer erupted in the audience, but this time, it died down before it could have done any damage, thankfully.

"I- I don't see how this is necessary," said the woman, starting to panic. "I mean, I've had perfect teeth my entire life, and furthermore, a drill isn't necessary in a gingivitiAAAAUUUUURRRGGGGHHHHHHHH…"

This continued for some 30-odd minutes until the program was done. Henry cleaned off the blood from the drill, turned to the camera, and grinned.

"If you would ever like to contact me, my home address (which for some reason I see nothing wrong with giving out on network television) is 5 Crivet Drive. Thank you and have a good day!"

Molly smiled widely and turned of the television. (In the kitchen, Arthur sighed with relief.) This could finally be her change to get in touch again with the man she truly loved. She sighed with love in her heart.

Historians would later note that that day had a curious amount of sighing.

---

Ron sighed. "So if my mom and Hermione's dad had a child, does that means if I like Hermione, it's… um… incest?"

Ron was stupid.

Harry said irritably, "For the last time Ron, I DON'T KNOW."

The two boys were sitting in the boys' dormitory. Downstairs, Serendipity was being crowded by seven years' worth of crazed students.

Ron stood up and said, "Well, I'm going to go talk to Serendipity. She _is_ my cousin, you know."

"Your sister, Ron."

"Whatever!"

Ron stomped down the stairs in a fury. Harry, curious, followed him in silence.

Of course, they were both wrong. Serendipity was Ron's half-sister.

---

Serendipity was dressed in a flowing orange dress. Ruffles extended from her sleeves and from random places about knee-down, and they were green, and glowed in the dark. Spikes stuck out from her back, and they were iron ore, with pretty daisies on the sharp tips. The dress cascaded down to her feet, and flowed away from her so much, the entire common room was covered in gold fabric (the dress was gold). She was beautiful.

She smiled and flashed her teeth, and the sheer beauty of her ruby-red lips and pearly white teeth killed four first-years because of sheer shock (For this is Britain, remember – _nobody_ has good teeth). This was a good thing, because they would have grown up to be the four greatest dark wizards known to mankind.

The first one, whose name was Clark Cleavont, would grow up to have the greatest mastery of potions of all time. In his seventh year, he would slip the Draught of Living Death into the drinks of all the professors at Hogwarts. The mystery of the Great Potion Attack, as it would have been called, would have shocked and stumped the wizarding world for years to come. He was the subtlest of the four, but his mastery of potions and his ability to slip a killing potion into the drinks of practically everyone would make everyone fearful of drinking, and would lower the economy drastically because of lack of drink sales, and kill many because of thirst.

The second, known by John Writhers in Hogwarts but SpellMaster-X later on, would excel with his wand. His knowledge of charms was surpassed by no other, and it was often he who killed people individually, instead of the mass killings the others often did. It was he who re-popularized the Dark Mark (except it would now be known as DarkMark-X because that would be fashionable) and was the most feared by the common wizard.

The third, known as Emily Malfoy-Parkinson (unrelated to neither Draco nor Pansy as it turns out) would become the brilliant seductress Emilalialia. She would be completely, utterly beautiful, although some later historians would believe that she wasn't naturally beautiful, but SpellMaster-X had charmed her so people would look at her that way. Daily, it seemed, she'd "sell herself out" to over 100 men. Her special killing ability would be, of course, the STDs. (They were _magical _STDs, of course.)

The fourth, Gregory Darkwater, who would be known as, among other things, Voldemort Jr., Killer of All, Death Bringer, and Destroyer, would be unimportant.

Together they would form the world's most ever feared group: the Four Killers. From the coast of the Antartic to the farthest reaches of Siberia, their names would be feared and revered for years to come even after Bobby James Potter (the son of Draco and Pansy) would finally slay them all. They would cause death and destruction that the world would never recover from fully.

But this is largely irrelevant as they all just died.

---

Ron stormed down the stairs in a fury, but stopped when he first saw Serendipity. She was alone in the room. (The others had all retired to their rooms in the split second between this scene and the previous one, except for the four dead ones, because they're dead.) His anger immediately softened. He walked in a trance towards Serendipity, fumbled over the carcass of Clark Cleavont, and landed in her arms. He got up, dusted himself off, and stared into her eyes.

"Serendipity," he said, "ever since I saw you today, I've been struck by an undying love and desire for you. When I look at you, I feel happy, happier than I've ever been in my life. You cheep me up when I am down, and your sight alone brings joy to my entire self, my entire being. I can't live without you, and I just realized that. What I'm trying to say, Serendipity, is… will you marry me?"

"Kay, whatever," said Serendipity. They snogged.

Harry watched from the shadows. He whispered to himself, "Oh… Ron will pay. He will pay…" He took a deep breath.

"Weddings are getting very expensive this year."


	4. Cameo Appearance of the Great Hall

The next morning, Serendipity, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting alone in the common room. Ron was staring into Serendipity's beautiful eyes, watching endlessly at her eyes, with pupils as black as onyx and irises the same colors that they were in the first chapter. When she blinked, her long, cascading eyelashes batted and Ron felt the wind made from the batting eyelashes flow across his face. He studied every minute nuance of her perfect face, the way her nose crooked daintily up, the way her ruby-red lips shone in the light, the way her pores and acne were, well, nonexistent… Ron drifted his eyes below her face, past her delicate, fragile collar bone, and to her two round-

"My eyes are up here, Ron," said Serendipity. Ron blushed.

"Does anyone beside me notice that these two are _siblings?_" asked Hermione in frustration, putting her hands in the air irritably.

"Half-siblings," corrected Harry. He had been listening to the narrative, good for him.

"Whatever!" said Hermione.

"Sorry, Hermione, but you aren't splitting up Serendipity and me just so you can have her yourself. She's your half-sister too you know," Ron smiled to himself again and looked deep into Serendipity's eyes. Serendipity noticed he had rather bad breath.

"Wha- but- ah- I'm not a lesbian Ron!" shouted Hermione. She huffed off in a storm.

"Wait a minute, Ron, Her-whatever is right. We're siblings. We can't go on like this," said Serendipity.

"Oh," said Ron sadly. "Well, may I have the engagement ring back then?" He looked down to the ground and held out his hand.

"What, are you kidding?" cried Serendipity, holding up the ruby read and hot pink ring that was conveniently not mentioned in the previous chapter. "I could get, like, 100 Galleons for this." She opened her mouth and swallowed the ring. "Now I'm beautiful on the inside," she said. The four heard canned laughter.

"Although, perhaps," said Serendipity to herself, "maybe I could learn to love Harry. I mean he's funny, smart, and has a great personality." Harry perked up. "But then again he's ugly." Harry scowled.

Hermione abruptly stood up, and with a flick of her wand the book she was reading on the chair disappeared. She said, "Well I don't know about you three, but I am going down to the Great Hall to get breakfast. Afterwards I shall look up Serendipity in the library and find out exactly why her last name is Weasley-Granger and why I saw my father and your mother, Ron, in the flashback in chapter two." After Hermione finished the blatant exposition she walked through the portrait and out of the common room.

"Did she just walk… through the portrait?" Harry asked in wonder.

"MY SPLEEN!" cried the Fat Lady.

---

Ron lathered his pancakes with syrup.

Harry lathered his pancakes with syrup.

Serendipity lathered her pancakes with syrup.

Everyone was lathering their pancakes with syrup!

Ever since Peeves had let loose the I 3 Syrup Charm, people all throughout Hogwarts had been filled with the insatiable desire to eat syrup. More and more syrup was being eaten, and the house-elves in the kitchen had to work double-time to make enough. Soon, they all started to pass out from exhaustion, and we all know when house-elves pass out, they die and their remains are bloodily scattered in the food which they last created.

Soon nobody was lathering their pancakes with syrup.

Harry was reading _Weekly Wizard News _with no particular interest (headline: "**YOU-KNOW-WHO FOUND IMPERSONATING SANTA CLAUS**") when Hermione burst into the room, tearing her skirt in her hurry, and knocked over a poor Hufflepuff second-year, who cried out in alarm. She swept her was up to the room until she reached Harry, her eyes glistening wet.

"Harry, I-" she began.

"I thought that was rather clever," Harry said.

"I found out that… erm… uh… what?"

"I just think the last sentence in the narrative was crafted well. I enjoyed the author's subtle use of puns, examples: you _burs_ting into the room, _tear_ing your skirt, the Hufflepuff _cry_ing out, s_weep_ing your way up – that last one was rather inconspicuous – in a way that only few people would recognize and thus feel self-important and proud because of it. By the way your skirt's ripped."

"Blimey, crikey, Harry, don't be a bloody barmy dim dodgy duff goppin' ickle miffed bollocks-faced codswallop-talking look-at-how-British-I-am bloke! Anyway, I was in the library, and I found out that chewing gum will prevent you from crying while peeling onions, isn't that fascinating? But I also found out that my father and Ron's mother are having an affair!"

"What, in the same book?"

"It was a very specific book. But Harry, I can't believe my father is having an affair with Ron's mother! I didn't know he would do such a thing! I always thought my family had high enough standards not to stoop to the level of adultery."

As Hermione was speaking, Dumbledore appeared behind her. He cleared his throat, and Hermione spun around in surprise. His eyes twinkled. This was because long ago he had accidentally Charmed a neuron star into his retina due to a funny incident involving a toaster and Occam's Mach-3 razor, and since then his eyes had twinkled perpetually. So his eyes were twinkling as he said:

"Hermione, don't you get it? You've read many books, so I would assume you have heard of a funny little think we adults, wizards and Muggles alike, like to call _connections_. We very rarely accept Mudbloods into this school, and only if they possess rare qualities that would benefit this school and the wizarding world. You are homely, bossy, increasingly temperamental and immature, and you are only book-smart, which anyone can be if they read a lot of books. We wouldn't have let you in if Mrs. Weasley hadn't recommended you."

Hermione had just gotten punk'd.

---

"… and then the duck said, '_Cracker_? I thought you said _The locally compact (l.c.) quantum group is a relatively new C-algebraic formalism for quantum groups, generalizing the Kac algebra, compact quantum group and Hopf algebra approaches_!" finished Serendipity.

Ron laughed so hard his knee spasmed and hit Serendipity's jaw, somehow. A drop of blood, redder than blood, trickled down to her chin.

Serendipity gasped. "Ron, you idiot! You just killed me!"

Ron was vaguely certain that Serendipity was not, in fact, dead, and puzzled over this.

Serendipity continued. "I'm a hemophiliac, Ron. This flow of blood will not stop until I die of blood loss."

Ron stammered, "H-H-Hemophiliac? B-B-Bu-But w-w-why?"

Serendipity shouted, "Because that's what you get when your mom and dad are siblings!" She then grew pale, and said to herself, "Shoot, I wasn't supposed to reveal that until Chapter 6."

Ron gasped even though he did not quite grasp the implications of this development. He sensed that a plot twist had just been revealed.

To prove his point, a wizard by the name of Plot von Twist suddenly appeared in the room. He yelled, "PLOT TWIST!"

He was subsequently killed by Voldemort, who had suddenly appeared in the room.


	5. What About the Great Hall?

"At last, Serendipity Weasley-Granger," sneered Voldemort, "I have found you! This time I will not be so foolish as to grant you time sufficient enough to plant a big ol' Avada Kedavra (as he said this, he waved his wand theatrically, killing Hermione who had just ran into the common room) on me; for you see, this time I will not linger and dawdle, and act with surprising speed in the act of killing you with this wand I have here by saying Avada Kedavra (Harry, sobbing over Hermione's corpse, dropped dead) instead of the opposite situation occurring, which frankly I was disappointed to find happen all those years ago when it happened. Ergo, I… uh… Serendipity?"

"Yes?" she asked, cupping her chin, the color of the blood that was on it.

Serendipity knew, of course, the literary technique of irony, which Voldemort was using quite masterfully, but she refused to heighten the humor and irony of the situation by killing him in the middle of his long-winded dialogue, for many reasons all of which being she was a bitch. Voldemort was about to ask her why she wasn't following the classic comedy routine when Ron jumped out of his seat, his cheeks redder than Harry's hair. (This is of course an easy task for a cheek; a seemingly more apt comparison would have been with Ron's red hair – however, the cheek was not nearly that red and such a simile would have been a bald-faced lie. It is important to explain these odd literary choices so that the reader does not pause in bemusement, breaking the flow of the narrative.)

"Imperius!" Ron shouted, pointing his wand at Voldemort. Unfortunately, the curse backfired as Ron was holding his wand the wrong way, and it hit Ron square in the forehead.

Everyone gasped.

Nothing happened, of course.

"Enough!" cried Voldemort, and he cried, "Avada Kedavra!" pointing his wand straight at Serendipity. A green curse shot out of it. She ate it.

"You did _what?_" asked Harry, only catching the last bits of the narrative as he had been preoccupied, being dead.

"Don't you see," said Serendipity, her eyes twinkling in a manner that could only suggest long, boring exposition to follow. "I'm the lead character! ("No, I am," said Harry, but nobody noticed.) I can't just die from an Avada Kedavra curse; that's incredibly anticlimactic. ("Well, I did in book seven," said Harry indignantly, but nobody noticed.) I have to die by some tragic, unstoppable force of nature and biology that raises deep questions on man's power over his own fate and the seemingly blithe will of a divine being. ("Technically I didn't die, though, I was in wizard limbo and Dumbledore bored me to tears with his long, boring exposition," said Harry, but he might as well have put a pistol to his head and shot himself, because although still nobody would have noticed, he would have at least shut up.) Luckily, this sudden revelation of my hemophilia seems to work just fine. (Harry put a pistol to his head and shot himself, but nobody noticed.)"

"That's incredibly stupid," said Voldemort, who then shouted "Avada Kedavra!" again and Serendipity cascaded to the floor, dead, because the narrator agrees.

Fade to black.

--

"Wait a minute," said Ron. "I refuse to believe that this tale is going to have a deus-ex-avada-kedavra (Voldemort died.) ending. It's incredibly unsatisfying. Besides," he continued, speeding up as the room was getting darker, "we never had a Chapter 6, and didn't Serendipity say something about one last chapter, when she was telling me about that siblings bit. Sorry," he added, bumping blindly into Serendipity's corpse, as the room was already pitch black. "Whatever happened to that plot point anyway?"

Everyone alived in shock. The room suddenly lit up. Were there a record player present, it would have scratched to a stop. There was in fact one lying near Hermione, but it refused to scratch out of protest to the previous sentence.

"WE NEVER HAD A CHAPTER 6?" they cried in unison.

Everyone started pacing frantically, mumbling to themselves and each other. Ron blinked.

"I really don't see what the problem is," he said.

"Don't you see, Ron!" said Hermione, seizing him by the shoulders. "If we said there was a Chapter 6 and there isn't one, then we have… we have a plot hole!"

"This story is so structurally inconsistent that I don't think it – "

Hermione slapped him. "Now's not the time!"

They paced and paced and paced some more, when Harry suddenly shouted, "That's it!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Quick," he said, "Someone say something cliffhanger-y!"

"Um… uh… Ron!" cried Serendipity. "I'm actually your mother!"


	6. Never Mind the Great Hall!

"Thank goodness that's over," said Voldemort.

Everyone agreed.

THE END


End file.
